My Mental Health Story
Opening up
How it all started
As I’ve said in my ‘About Me’ story, I was bullied all through my school years. Day after day they tormented me, from name-calling to getting pushed off the school bus before it stopped moving. Every negative word or painful attack chipped away at my mental health. Back then I thought I would be OK once I left school, I didn’t understand how much that pain would follow me through life.
I first asked for help when I was in college. I don’t think I was ready for it. I was still under 18, so they didn’t want to put me on any medication. Instead, the doctor sent me to speak to someone, I don’t remember her name but she was a kind woman. Unfortunately, I didn’t find the sessions useful, and I continued to spiral into deeper depression.
I kept getting worse
I didn’t seek help again for a while. My relationship with my parents started to get worse, I was still living at home and rebelling against their rules. I worked hard in my job as a care worker, but I played harder and partied my troubles away. Eventually, I left home and moved in with my partner, and although my relationship with my parents got better, my troubles never left. The relationship I was in at the time was rocky, we were too young to be in such a serious relationship, and our reactions to certain hurdles we faced proved it. We eventually split, and although we are good friends now, it was a messy break-up. My mental health took another blow as a result.
I finally went back to the doctor and got put on antidepressants, and for a while, they seemed to help. That was until I got into a new relationship. That you can read all about here :
Surviving A Mentally Abusive Relationship | by ThatGirlYouMightKnow | Feb, 2022 | Medium
Hitting rock bottom
During that relationship, my mental health took blow after blow. I didn’t see any escape, desperate and scared, I planned a permanent way out. I was more than ready to take my last bow. That is until I remembered the people I would be leaving behind, my parents, grandparents, brother, nephews, etc. I couldn’t let them suffer for the sins of another. But instead of getting the help I desperately needed, I went and partied nights away with friends. During one of these nights out, I had something traumatic happen, and for a good couple of years after I drank at least 3 to 4 times a week. Sometimes it was the only way I could sleep through the night without having nightmares. I was at the lowest I had ever been.
I needed to make a change
I hid how much I was drinking from everyone, and although I could stop whenever I wanted, for weeks or months on end, I knew deep down that wasn’t always going to be the case. After self-harming bad one night I started on stronger antidepressants, this time the doctor kept a close eye on my progress. It was around this time I got diagnosed with a pain condition called trigeminal neuralgia, which causes severe pain in the face. The medications to treat the condition are fairly strong, so I stopped drinking. If I was to have a drink, I wouldn’t be able to take the tablets, and I’d rather be in less pain than have a hangover.
Since then I’ve had my ups and downs, there’s no cure for anxiety or depression caused by trauma because trauma isn’t curable. At least not without a time machine. I still have nightmares, and I think I always will. I always used alcohol to mask the downs. But that’s all it was, and a mask always slips. Some days I can’t face leaving the house, yet some days I just want to have coffee with a friend. On my bad days I always try to remember my favorite Harry Potter quote :
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of time, if one only remembers to turn on the light ~Albus Dumbledore
Reasons I’m telling this.
I’m a fairly closed book when it comes to every reason behind my mental health struggles. Only people I know I can trust without any doubt know all this. I’ve chosen to talk about it, in the hope that I can help at least one person. I know what it’s like to feel alone and helpless.
Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger, so if I can be that stranger for anyone reading this I will. All you have to do is reach out.
