My Worst Date

I didn’t even recognize her.

We met on plenty of fish.

I had been single for a few months, and although I was perfectly content I allowed my friend to talk me into online dating. Nervously I set up my account on plenty of fish. I matched with a few people, but one really stood out. She was beautiful, way too beautiful to be interested in my average self. She seemed keen, and we messaged back and forth a little everyday. The conversations never got too deep or personal, in a way I was perfectly happy with how casual our chats were. I sent the odd selfie or pictures of my day but never got any in return (I didn’t expect them either), instead I got the “my camera is broke” or “I look like shit today”.

We seemed to have a lot in common.

We were similar ages, lived in towns close by, and everything I was interested in from my favorite books, to my favorite food she shared. It all seemed too good to be true, I was even starting to think it was. This girl had EVERYTHING in common with me, the only difference being she was an unbelievably stunning woman. However when she asked me to meet up for a coffee date, I accepted.

I was a nervous wreck for days.

With age I’ve learnt to trust my gut, but back then I was a little more on the naive side. I even voiced some of my concerns to her, and in turn she explained them away. I wasn’t so sure but I thought it was best to go ahead with the date and be proven right, than cancel and wonder “what if”. So we arranged to meet at a busy coffee shop in my town. She offered to pick me up on her motorcycle, but I was only a short walk from the cafe. Plus it would be safer walking away, that jumping off the back of a motorcycle.

The day of the date arrived.

Even at the best of times I get extremely anxious, especially when meeting new people. When it’s a date however, there’s added pressure. I woke up early, I needed to figure out what to wear. Luckily I’m not one to obsess over hair and make up, that would give my anxiety a complex. So I just put on a shirt, jeans and Converse, and set off an hour early. It was only a five minute walk but I wanted to be early, when meeting strangers I always mapped out the nearest escape route.

A perfect stranger sat at my table.

When I looked up to see who it was, she introduced herself. I was expecting a pretty biker chick in her early twenties, but what I got was a woman in her mid forties, salt and pepper hair, and less teeth than my 18 month old nephew. She must have noticed the look on my face, I imagine I looked like a stunned possum. When she said “I know I look a little different” the only thing going through my head was *a little?? Then I guess my Jack Russell looks a “little” different to a poodle*. I’m not a Victoria’s secret model by any means, and I’m sure my pictures were taken from a more flattering angle. But this woman used twenty year old pictures! She was nearly old enough to be my mother.

I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

I really wasn’t interested, but I stayed to spare her feelings. I’m not the type of girl to judge on looks. So I ordered my cup of coffee with two extra shots of espresso. I really needed to feed my caffeine addiction to get through this. I even tried hard to have a conversation with her, but her conversation skills were drier than the Sahara desert. Every minute felt like an hour, I needed a way to get out without being a dick. I ran through excuses in my head, each one getting more ridiculous than the other. From “my fish died” to “the zombie apocalypse is starting”. Finally my mouth found the words to say, which was simply “sorry, I need to go home”.

The day after the date was our final conversation.

She tried to explain why she lied about her age. She said it was because of her insecurities. I tried to be as nice as I could, I wasn’t really experienced at turning people down. So I just explained how I felt betrayed by her deception. She accepted my reasons and we parted ways.

That was the last conversation I had with her. That was nearly fifteen years ago, and I’m still not the age she was then.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.